Early hours.

I’m feeling so inspired tonight. Which is a narcissistic, egomaniacal, self-centred, pseudo-intellectual bunch of crap. Not if you’re a real artist, like a big painter or musician or actor or something. If you’re someone like me, I mean. “Oh dear me, blimey, I’m so entirely encompassed by inspiration tonight, it’s utterly impossible to ignore, it’s seeping through my pores and filling the atmosphere!”.  What a moron.

Regardless. I’m inspired tonight. Trouble is, except the aforementioned, that I don’t know what the hell it is exactly I’m inspired about, or what the hell it is I’m inspired to bloody do. So I pace back and forth, unable to stop, unable to channel this energy, wasting time, feeling uneasy like I want to pee and there’s no toilet in sight. I don’t feel like talking to anyone, because I’m not in any position to put it into words, let alone attempt to explain what my problem is. I don’t feel like reading or baking or trying on 100 different outfits, or sleeping or running, because I deem all those activities unworthy of channelling my energy into. 

Life lessons.

I’m beginning to realise something. Something that I knew of in theory, and that I’m now experiencing first hand. I’m realising that, except from good and bad people, there are also amoral people. People who don’t care about something being right or wrong, who don’t see fair and unfair, cruelty or kindness. They only see what’s profitable, what’s the best investment, which move will lead them to the desirable result. They cannot be reasoned with. They cannot be touched or moved or approached. They cannot be fought. They are not inherently good or evil, they simply have no moral compass. They can be kind and cruel in equal measure, they can worship you or crush you down in equal measure not because they feel anything, not driven out of spite or malice or hatred or gentleness or love, but because doing so is just good business. They believe idealism is a vague romantic philosophical concept, not something you can live your life by. They only understand the language of growth, and they will kiss and kill without remorse to achieve it. They will not look back with fear or nostalgia. They will keep going until their heart, a solely functional body part, stops beating.

It’s a very strange thing to interact with them. In my case it’s infuriating, making my insides burn and generates in me a desire to crush them all and fix the injustices they caused. But that’s such a useless way to go about it, trying to fight someone who doesn’t value morals by using your own sense of morality. There’s no point screaming at them “This isn’t fair!” when they wouldn’t even react if you screamed “This is so kind of you!” or if you screamed full stop, for that matter. But there are so many of them out there. So many who don’t, and will never, realise what a despicable way this is to spend your days.